– A story of loss, hope, reunion, grief, and unconditional love.

In July of 2021, my then-16-year-old cat, Casey, went missing two months before I moved about 2 hours north of my hometown, Dracut MA. He had been an indoor outdoor cat for his entire life, and one day just never returned. After our efforts to find him – posters around town, posts on town and pet pages, missing pet reports, etc – we accepted that he may not only be gone from our sight, but from this world. Casey was developing arthritis, had a heart murmur, and was an elderly man and we knew the odds were not in his favor…

I got Casey a couple of weeks before my 10th birthday, August 31, 2005. He was just a little kitten, having been born just in the beginning of July. I was immediately in love. He and I went through a lot together and we only ever got closer and closer. I’m an “only” child, but Casey was my brother. He knew it, too. He was fully integrated and acting like he was a very important, very valued, very big part of our family because that was most certainly the truth. Losing him was a devastation to us all, especially to me. I have never loved, and probably never will love anyone more than Casey. Growing up together, doing everything we could together – cuddling to sleep every night, going for walks, playing at the park, spending every summer with my Memere, experiencing my family’s dynamics from the core, hanging with my friends, raising kittens into cats – created a bond that could never be replaced. My heart has been completely shattered all of these years. The pain of not being able to say goodbye, the hurt of lack of closure and not being able to even find his body, the fear of whether he was out there somewhere lost and hurt has all been torture. Ever since I was kid I imagined I’d be by his side as he took his last breathe. I’m a collector of skulls, bones, all sorts of oddities, and I’ve always wished I would be able to get his skeleton articulated by a taxidermist. Everything I had hoped would be in place when it came time to grieve him was lost right along with him. He would visit in my dreams and in them I would beg him to come back, waking up crying and inconsolable. Over the years I’d have many complete meltdowns over the loss of him – I’ve lost a lot of loved ones in my life and none effected me the way losing Casey did. Casey was my familiar, my kin, my best friend, my teacher, my guardian, the love of my life. I felt betrayed by whatever spiritual powers that be, and pleaded with the universe that I deserved a chance to say goodbye.

I can’t believe I’m writing this but… we found him. A few days ago, on Tuesday 9/3/2024 someone had posted on my hometown’s Facebook page a picture of a cat they’d been seeing in their neighborhood that looked like he needed some help. As I scrolled through my feed on Wednesday, I came across the post… the moment I laid eyes on him I knew that was my Casey. I couldn’t believe it – every emotion swept over me. My cat had come back from the dead. He’d been seen somewhere vaguely around my neighborhood. In desperation I commented over and over on the post, trying to get the attention of the Anonymous poster, hoping to get some more information – an address, a street name, ANYTHING. I shared some of the details about him and the situation, shared a handful of pictures and anxiously waited to find out more. I called Dracut Animal Control and left a voicemail explaining the situation. Later on, I messaged DAC’s Facebook page and I was sent a number to contact. I got in touch with Colleen Morse, who works for animal control, shared my story with some pictures and even though she was unsure of her whereabouts she immediately agreed to help. The rest was just a waiting game.

That night I decided to pull some tarot cards for myself. As I took my deck out, I said to myself, “if I pull the Strength card I know it is him.” I took my cards out of their pouch and as I adjusted my grip on them, I dropped half of my deck. Staring straight up at my was the Strength card, a woman with her lion illustrated on it. I started freaking out, hyperventilating and all and sent a video of the cards to my friend, Rose (Black Cat Astrology). I had been talking to Rose about my discovery of Casey’s being found since the moment I came across the Facebook post. She is an incredibly gifted astrologer and immediately went to reading charts of that day and around the time Casey went missing. There were a plethora of synchronicities between what she was seeing involving this situation and the astrology around the events. I was feeling a lot of validation that found cat was definitely Casey. Luckily I had the support of my family and friends to keep me grounded, because I’m telling you I was so close to losing my mind. Excitement, euphoria, fear, doubt, worry, desperation, love, joy – the suspense had me reeling and spiraling. The next day came, and before heading into work and I wrote a #lorindasrainbows post on my Instagram to keep myself in positive spirits:
“Dear teenaged Lorinda,
One day, you’re going to learn that you can have anything you want if you set your mind to it and work for it. One day, you’re going to realize that you are capable of manifesting just about anything, even when it seems impossible. One day, you’re going to see just how capable, powerful, and strong you are – that you can gracefully overcome everything that life throws at you. One day, you’re going to recognize your worth, that you deserve your wildest dreams to come true. The good part is so close, even though it seems so far away. Hold on. You’re gonna make it.”

I commented some more on the original facebook post I’d seen, basically begging the Anonymous poster to please just give me a street name. My comments got attention and a lot of people reached out to me both with curiosity and offers to help. Colleen called me in the morning, he had been caught near Rainbow Ave (#lorindasrainbows). A neighbor put an open can of tuna in his dog’s kennel, and when Casey went in to eat he trapped him. Colleen was taking him to Lowell Humane Society. By the afternoon, my notifications and messages were flooding. Some people were asking if he was mine, if I found him, congratulating me, etc. I was starting to feel a lot of pressure, that so many people were looking to me for a happy ending… and I hadn’t even been able to identify him yet. I started hearing about a post someone shared saying the cat was chipped and the owner was found… my Casey was not chipped. This brought on some feelings of anguish and defeat, yet with all my might I clung to hope. I reached back out to Colleen for clarification and the wait for an answer felt like forever. Colleen soon got back to me saying the cat that was found was in fact, NOT chipped and that any posts about the owner being located were referring to me. Relief swept over my body. Just one more hour and I’d be out of work heading down to Massachusetts to reunite with my Casey.

The ride down to Lowell was full of anxiety, excitement, and nervousness. I played some very old CDs of mine from when I was about 11 years old, songs I remember listening to on the long car rides in the back seat with Casey when we’d go to the lake for the summer together. I danced, I sang, I cried. As much as fear would creep in that maybe it isn’t him – I felt in ever part of my soul that it was. My own father was incredibly skeptical, not for a second believing that it might be Casey; in his mind there was no chance he survived this long. When I got to the shelter at 6pm, Colleen greeted me warmly and we headed in. We had to walk through multiple rooms and as we got to the last one she said something along the lines of, “This is the room he should be in, they said he was over by the back door.” I turned my head to the left and saw a bunch of cats in kennels and exclaimed, “Hi kitties!” The second I spoke I heard a familiar scratchy meow up ahead. I reacted, “That is my cat,” and started looking for him in the direction I could hear his meowing. We’d both recognized each other’s voices right away. On Thursday, September 5th, 2024 I laid eyes on Casey for the first time in 3 years and was overwhelmed with shock, relief, and so much love. As I sat in front of his kennel, I frantically started searching for the nick in his ear he’d had since another cat bit him in his adolescence. I was so desperate for the physical proof to identify him and confirm it was him even though I already knew. And then I found it. Another wave of shock. I opened the kennel and took him into my arms and he headbutted me the way he always used too. Nudging into me, rubbing his head all over me, burrowing into my arm, and purring loudly. After three long years my best friend and I were reunited. Me being freshly 29, having had my birthday just a day short of a week prior, and him being my little old man at 19 years old. Absolutely unbelievable.

I laughed, I cried, I hyperventilated in panic. So many emotions passed over me – sadness that it’d been so long, ecstasy that we were together again, fear that he was in really bad shape, relief that I listened to my intuition despite all of the odds. It was time to take him home. On the way to my parents’ home it was the most quiet I’ve ever seen him in a car, silent save for a few little outbursts just to remind me he hates being in the car haha. I think he knew exactly where we were headed and he had no objections. When I carried the pet carrier through the door my mom exclaimed, “Is it him!?” To which I responded, “It’s him.” She called to and cooed at him while we set things up to let him out. The second I opened the carrier he limped right on over to her ready for pets, then right on over to my dad. The sheer look of disbelief plastered on my father’s face was something to be seen. “There is not a single doubt that is Casey, I can’t believe it.” Casey made his rounds with each of us as he always did – ever since he was a kitten he was determined to make sure he spent equal time with each one of us and spread the love. He struggled to walk but explored the home that was once familiar to him, stopping for pets from each of us while he soaked it all in. Every few minutes or so one of my parents expressed their astonishment that it really is him and it’s unbelievable. With pride I relished in the fact that I knew it in my soul, and that I didn’t let doubt overcome me. While we were coming down from the high of reuniting with our long lost loved one, it was time to discuss action to take. Casey was visibly unwell… he was unstable on his feet and had limited use of his back legs, was shaking most likely from pain, had sores all over him especially his mouth, seemed to be mostly blind in at least one eye, and was covered in matted fur, dander, and flea dirt. I said that my main concern was his quality of life, my mom cried at the thought of having to say goodbye again so soon, and my dad was saying he was ready to spend thousands of dollars on vet bells to do whatever we could to keep him. Unsure of what was ahead of us, Casey and I headed to the emergency vet.

We arrived at Westford Veterinary Emergency Center at 7:50pm. They took us in and I explained the entire situation, the vets in as much shock and awe as we were. I made sure to state that my priority was his quality of life, but we wanted to know what we could do to keep him. He was taken out back and a bit less than an hour later, the vet came to speak with me. She took me into a private room and sat me down, and at 8:40 p.m. began to tell me that essentially Casey was too far gone. Two of the worst parts of his current condition was that his heart murmur (which he’d had for a bit less than a decade) had grown much louder and was a strong indicator of heart disease and he had a tumor in his thyroid. He would need multiple surgeries and other procedures done to get him to a stable condition… considering his incredibly weakened state and old age he was unlikely to be able to even survive anesthesia. Worst of all was what the veterinarian called “the worst case dental disease she’s ever seen.” The state of his mouth was so bad that it was highly likely that he had a tumor in his jaw. She mentioned that this would cause him excruciating pain and make it very heard for him to eat/drink which would explain why when we fed him at home he was only able to lick a very small amount though it was clear he was starving. The vet asked me what our goals were for Casey, and I asked if she would tell me what she would do if she were in this situation. She laughed nervously, and said no, and I responded with, “You would put him down wouldn’t you?” She laid it out for me. He would have to be scheduled for multiple appointments with all sorts of specialists over the next few months almost nonstop just to attempt to recover him, though his health from what it seemed wasn’t even treatable. All the while he would continue to be in a unimaginable pain. Panic over took me. I asked if we could call my parents and she could explain everything to them and she agreed. While on the phone with my parents, my mother pleaded for us to wait a month and I pleaded to wait until at least Monday. The vet advised us that waiting any longer, even a day, would not be best for Casey.

A decision was made – we had to say goodbye to Casey. My parents came to meet me at the veterinary hospital and we spent some time loving on Casey together. I video called my long-term partner, Anthony, and he and my cat Louis (Louie, Lou) joined us virtually. Louis grew up with Casey, they are 10 years apart, and is 9 years old now. He knew Casey very well, and was aware that Casey was quite the head-nudger – however, Louie himself is not. But the second Louie laid eyes on Casey over the video call, he started head nudging Anthony and the phone over and over. I know he recognized him, I know he knew it was him. Louie didn’t leave Anthony’s presence throughout the entire process of us all saying goodbye. At 10:35 p.m. we all rallied around Casey to as we prepared for him to leave us for the last time, and at 10:37 he took his last breathe in my arms. I knew Casey didn’t want to go, we had just finally found each other again and I knew that he would’ve pushed on to live in pain and misery just to be with me longer. I can’t tell you how hard it was to not make the selfish choice to keep him – to not scream “STOP WE CAN’T DO THIS!” at the last second before he was euthanized. I had to bite my tongue, I knew he deserved the peace that was coming, the goodbye I’d promised the Universe I would give to him. I had no more tears left to cry, and set off on my journey home. I got home around 12:30 a.m. and went straight to bed. That night Louie stayed by my side, and I woke up to him laying on my chest and licking my face the next morning and the tears came flooding.

This grief journey has been unlike any I have ever experienced. I know grief to feel so cold, empty, and incomplete… but this time it feels so warm, full, and whole. Of course I’m sad, of course a piece of my heart is broken, but it has been for three years and for the first time it feels like it’s healing. Any sadness is completely overshadowed by the massive amount of gratitude I have. I can hardly believe I really got my chance to say goodbye, to hold him through it, to kiss him and hug him and sing to him again. I am blown away from the birthday gift the Universe has presented to me – a reward amidst the challenges I’ve been overcoming during my Saturn Return. A confirmation that I can make my wildest dreams come true, and that I deserve to. I ask that anyone reading this understands that this was not a loss at all for me, this was a blessing – a miracle. My love for Casey made the impossible possible, I never gave up on seeing him again. Casey’s love for me made the impossible possible, he never gave up on seeing me again. I guess if you take anything from this story, let it be this: anything is possible when it’s done with love.

If you’d like to see any videos or photos about Casey and this story you can find them here. Thank you, I love you all!